Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Friend Puzzle

Love embraces me, and I wonder, how can I have the audacity to complain?

I feel like my body is fragmented into tons of little bits and pieces that I need to glue together.  I decide I should handle this game, and while I glue the pieces onto a flat surface I must accidentally look away because I keep misplacing pieces.  The game gets too intense!  So I decide to sleep and figure out the end of the puzzle game in the morning.

Once the morning sun rises into the sky and I wake up, I notice that the puzzle has changed shape.

How is this possible?

But it is.  Somehow it is.  And somehow we all understand.

Today was a jumble of emotions and reactions.

I talked about friends.  I talked about standards and morals.  I talked out my thoughts.  I talked to figure out this puzzle.

Seeing friends that I have known for nearly a year, but who have come and gone in my experience, I realize exactly how tender life is.  It is unknowing, and it is experimenting.  It is full of surprises.

Yet I want to belong to someone.  I want a friend I can depend on being in my experience.  Is it only a human wish?  

Can this puzzle every be solved?

1 comment:

  1. I guess I might respond to all of these if I feel like I have something to say.. just a notice!

    You ask if it is a human wish? I think wanting a friend to depend on and to belong to is a very spiritual outpouring of a need for affection and love. I think everyone has this feeling at some point in their lives, but your words resonate with me because I know that exact feeling. It's kind of a little hollow emptiness that you want to fill with a human being that can provide human things to you. I've found that whenever I try to fill this chasm (for it is very chasm-like for me) with human needs and wants, I can never fill it with satisfaction. It has to be a spiritual connection and fulfillment otherwise how can you truly be fulfilled? My feelings and thoughts about CS are borderline towards breaking away from the church, so I don't believe the reflex claim that most CS fling at me that "you have to fill it with God to be fulfilled." I don't think this statement is false, just presented incorrectly. I want someone to rely on that will be a moral support for me and who I will morally support; will try to understand me and will allow me to try and understand them. You have to look inward to fulfill yourself, you can't rely on a human to complete your puzzle.