The Friend Puzzle

Love embraces me, and I wonder, how can I have the audacity to complain?

I feel like my body is fragmented into tons of little bits and pieces that I need to glue together.  I decide I should handle this game, and while I glue the pieces onto a flat surface I must accidentally look away because I keep misplacing pieces.  The game gets too intense!  So I decide to sleep and figure out the end of the puzzle game in the morning.

Once the morning sun rises into the sky and I wake up, I notice that the puzzle has changed shape.

How is this possible?

But it is.  Somehow it is.  And somehow we all understand.

Today was a jumble of emotions and reactions.

I talked about friends.  I talked about standards and morals.  I talked out my thoughts.  I talked to figure out this puzzle.

Seeing friends that I have known for nearly a year, but who have come and gone in my experience, I realize exactly how tender life is.  It is unknowing, and it is experimenting.  It is full of surprises.

Yet I want to belong to someone.  I want a friend I can depend on being in my experience.  Is it only a human wish?  

Can this puzzle every be solved?

Hocus Pocus

Me gusta nadar en una piscina.  This evening I watched Glee and then soaked in the hot tub with my roomie and ex-roomie.  It was a lot of fun to laugh and remember how far I have come since last year.

My eyes keep losing focus causing my mind to drift to unanswered questions.  Questions that keep returning to my brain.  Questions that won't let me be.  I want to fall into the sky and let the clouds engulf my mind.  I want to feel the cool vapors of the clouds.  Maybe then my head would cool enough to let me see all sides of every event.  Then maybe I could judge whether my decisions are intelligent or just necessary steps to get to some unknown goal.

Alternative/independent music echos around the chambers of my brain.  The words and tunes excite emotions, and they relax my muscles.  They bounce and bump into memories and past decisions.  They push me up to clouds.  Now I will let the clouds take over my brain.

Good-night.

New Goals

Ok.  I have a new goal.  I am going to write an entry every day.  Writing this out makes it feel official, and it is also intimidating, because there will probably be days when I cannot get internet access or I am hiking in the woods without my computer for a week.  Anyway, my goal is to post an entry every day.

I feel burned out and it is only the third week of school.  I have joined too many things, and I am not fulfilling my duties.  Therefore I am going to drop a few things and try to feel ok about it.

I get tired of icebreakers, and therefore I am trying to avoid them as a club president.  But I'm starting to realize how they really bond a group together.  They also make me frustrated that I seem to be inept at saying what I am thinking.  Words come out of my mouth, but without a backspace bar I begin to feel naked and exposed.  I question how this can really be what I think.

Why do people seem to talk in superlatives?  I guess the question that is more to the point is how I can speak in superlatives.

Life goals.  I think I need to work on those goals.

So Long, So Wrong

I feel a connection to Alison Krauss right now.  I have contemplated leaving college so many times.  I wonder if I have a dissatisfaction bug, or if I really should be doing something else.  I think I should try to connect to sports.  Then I might learn how to persevere when it seems like I cannot go on.

Alison Krauss never finished high school or college, and she appears to be doing well monetarily.  I don't know how she feels about her unusual school experience and not sticking in the system.  Regardless, she has stayed with music and works with lots of amazingly talented musicians, like herself.  I guess that's the answer.  She has talent.

In both middle school and high school I was told by people that "You are going to go somewhere" or to "Just wait, you're going to do amazing things."  Did they just say this to keep me from questioning the point?  I don't think I've ever felt like I fit in the education mold even though teachers have loved me, and I enjoy learning and doing homework.

A friend of mine was skyping with me last night, and he wondered aloud if I would be happy anywhere.  Well, if I'm not going to be happy anywhere, then I'll sure have the opportunity to see a lot of the world.

Honestly, who knows?

New York's Not My Home

Today I spent the afternoon/early evening on a dock watching the sun sparkle on the water and surround the geese and ducks.  The marina was full of swanky boats that looked like homes rather than vessels to explore the water.

While I was dangling my feet in the water I began thinking about Jim Croce's song, New York's Not My Home.  I think that describes the way I feel right now.  I kept rerunning the line, ""Cause I know that I've gotta get outta here,  I'm so alone, Don't you know that I've gotta get outta here, 'Cause New York's not my home."  If you replace the word New York with Alton, then that whole phrase corresponds to my feelings.

I know it's important to be grateful, and I really am happy to be here, but I like the smell of the ocean and the breeze that twists your insides because it's just so wonderful and beautiful and penetrating.  I think this happens to me every time I leave home for school.  Oh well.  School's not my home.

Last Day of Vacation Blues

This is it.  This is my last night of vacation until November.  I keep reminiscing.  Freshman year is completely over, and sophomore year is truly commencing.

Changes are coming, and new dreams are rising and forming.  I can feel the differences this fall.  I feel more stable even though I know there will be crying and emotional ups and downs.  I think those are only normal.

I'm very happy with my dorm.  It's chill and full of very different people who all want to be here.  Today the house board got to bond over games held in three different places on campus.  It was really neat, because we got to talk and strategize together working toward a common goal.  I definitely liked playing games outside.

"You've got me wondering why I'm under this great big sky..." KT Tunstall

Oh How the Rain Changes Life

It is 4:45am, and I am still awake.  Well, I fell asleep for an hour or two in Rackham's living room, but I'm awake now.  It's has been such an amazing day with emotions on every end of the spectrum.

I have spent a lot of time wet today.  I swam at the pool for over 2 hours, and then ran and played in the rain for at least an hour (barefoot of course).

It's funny how this day has unfolded, because I wasn't going to act childish.  I thought I had already conducted so many stupid and ridiculous antics last year that I am through with these behaviors.  I guess I'm not.  I'm beginning to think it's important to have a little bit of child in me.  And maybe living to my highest morals doesn't mean being boring and not relatable.  I still have a lot to figure out, but I hope I am getting closer.

Meantime, I am getting closer to declaring my major.  I am also getting closer to solidifying my schedule, and life is good.

P.S. LaSalle Bakery is amazing.  It has a great atmosphere and lattes.  I suggest visiting it if you are in the area.

Williams Memories

Tonight I walked into Williams Cottage to make cookies with some friends.  I didn't make the cookies because it was past 10pm by the time I got to Williams, and I don't want to be tired tomorrow for moral reasoning.  It's really no fun when you feel like you're going to fall asleep and the world drifts in and out of focus.

Anyway, the moment I walked into Williams I was flooded with memories.  The smells, the kitchen, the bathroom, and the rooms all held me in reminiscence.  I remember the first night I saw Williams, and experienced its kitchen with bread baked by my one-act director and received a hug from my co-actor before things became weird.  I remember the two nights I spent in their during winter quarter, and the love and drama and pain I felt.  

I sometimes find it hard to know how to feel, to act, and speak.  Life gets moving so fast that it's hard to pull back and let myself remember and let go.  It's hard to forget those moments I felt so alive and so small. Those moments hold me so tightly that I forget how to move on.  I remember feeling that I wasn't odd and unusual when I met my director.  I felt like I was lovable during the one-act.  However, that was yesterday, and today is a new day filled with opportunities to express love and be lovable.  It takes a lot of courage.

p.s. St. Charles is beautiful when the sky is slate grey and the clouds keep you wary about leaving the shop you have huddled in to escape the chill of the streets.  It's especially fun when experienced with a friend :).  

Late Night Moral Reasoning

What a day.  It both began and ended with moral reasoning, the class that I am attending.  Well, it's not really a class.  It's more of a mandatory time spent talking with other people from my dorm and my Resident Counselor about morals and our understanding of our morals.

Tonight we watched "He's Just Not That Into You."  It was so much fun to watch the movie with 5 other girls and 6 boys.  The boys agreed with the advice the main girl, Gigi, received from Alex.  It is true that if a guy wants a relationship he will make it happen.  It's good to know that the movies do portray truths.

My RC asked us at the end of the movie if we like drama.  I said I enjoy theater, and then I thought about whether I do like drama.  It's a simple question, but it has made me wonder whether I really do or do not like the drama that ensues when you don't know how someone feels about you, and the drama that ensues when you are keeping a relationship secret, or any other type of personal drama.  I think I like drama with happy endings.  I don't think anyone likes drama where they are unhappy at the end of the ordeal and other people are bleeding.

It's so difficult to figure out morals.  I wonder all the time whether I am living by my highest morals and if I feel alright about who I am and the choices I make.  I think this class has made me wonder more about what I believe and who I am than my usual musings.  I hope I have the courage to live up to my expectations.  

The First 24 Hours

I have officially been at college for over 24 hours, and what a jam-packed time it has been.  Over the summer everything was quiet and calculated, and I forgot how much happens at school and how many friends I have that enjoy a good adventure.  I also forgot that when there is a lot less privacy, and the emotion I feel that I need to become this person so other people can relate to me.  The feeling may be more related to the thought that I must remain the person I was last year, but I feel like things in my life have changed.

During this past day I have made my room look like a hurricane raced across it (maybe this is where Hurricane Earl hit), have met with my friends, and have attended the Japanese Festival at the Botanical Garden.

The Japanese Festival was incredible!  The last time I went to this festival I was 4 years old.  My parents were having marital issues, and my mom decided to visit her sister in St. Louis over Labor Day weekend.  I remembered the huge golden fishes, the large water display I could walk on, and Japanese lanterns.  Otherwise the greatest memory I have is walking a lot and wanting to stop and sit down with a big bottle of water.

Today I was with Natious at the gardens.  He brought me to see the drummers and Sumo wrestlers.  I must admit the wrestlers were very intimidating, especially the 400 pound one.  He was enormous!  I wonder what it would feel like to have a breast size like him.

To back track, when I was on the road on Sunday the sound of the road bumped and pounded in my head.  I kept thinking that the sound wanted me to remember, reminisce, regret, and repress my life because on the road the past doesn't matter and regrets are unnecessary.  The necessary thought is what's happening now, and the people I see here.

Here's a little fun fact to end this entry.  On Saturday I decided to keep driving even after the sun had set although I knew it would be smart to stop driving sooner rather then later.  I went through customs and entered Michigan at 10:30pm, and at 11 stopped for the night.  Apparently sketchy motels don't follow their own policies, because I am not 21 and the motel I stopped at had a tacked up policy inside the office that clearly stated you must be 21 to rent a room.  I even had to show my ID, but it didn't seem to phase the foreign lady who gave me the key card to my room.  I must admit I was most grateful that she didn't think it was important to turn me away because I am 20 years old.  I decided to pay with cash at this motel.

Losing myself in Montreal

This morning I headed out of the beautiful state of Maine to experience a new part of the country before engulfing myself in classes.  Upstate Maine is incredible.  The mountains look like giants lying on their backs and sunning their enormous pot bellies.

My first adventure began when I hit the road.  My first stop was Rockland to take some pictures.  Well, that adventure ended with a scraped shin and toe.

The second adventure occurred when I tried to park my car in Montreal.  I had to pay $16 for the one hour I parked in this lot that I somehow managed to find when I discovered I have no idea how Montreal's roads work and was thoroughly lost.  It also was extremely difficult/ impossible to direct myself in a province that only has signs in French when I can hardly understand simple Spanish conjugates.

Needless to say, it was an adventurous day and I am enjoying sitting still without worrying about how much money my car is costing me.

Also, I remembered that when I begin eating after not for many hours I want to consume exorbitant amounts of food.