Fill me up before I die in these four walls --Shawn Colvin song titles

Today I felt full and excited and flirty and with possible answers.  Then I contracted when I saw that these emotions make me seem childish and like I need others support which I gain when other people laugh at me for being a girl.  This evening I felt my insides wrenched when I saw real sexual excitement occurring between two people.  These people deserve to fall in love.  But why does it make me feel like I'm missing something?

I remember writing poems last year during winter quarter when everything seemed to be falling in on me.  Did I feel more alive then?  Or do I feel more alive when I run around a friend's garden with a corn stalk and hose in my hands?  Is there any way to escape these questions and emotions?

Maybe I need to stop looking for escapes.  Maybe I need to figure out why I feel the need to escape.  When can I?  I guess I can now.

I read and discover other peoples theories, but have I ever really tried to answer the questions myself?

Why am I so idealistic?  Does my idealism help me understand the world or does it make me lose faith in the world?  Why do other people's theories impact me so much?

Obviously someone had a theory that every person should have education, and someone decided this education should be through an institution, because it's the most cost efficient and equal.  It makes me believe everyone thinks about equality, but that this equality loses its effectiveness when people feel the need to prove it.  Prove what?  Why must everything be proved?

If everything needs to be proved, then maybe I should prove who I am.